| I find myself a stranger among friends. |
[Oct. 10th, 2006|10:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | At home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Sleepy | ] |
Went back to work at the place I did temporary work experience two years ago. Most of the faces are still the same, people and conversations I remember vividly and fondly, whom I can recognise by sight or sound at an instant. Most still sit in the same place; some even wear the same ties.
However, it's been a long time... many temporary faces like mine have come and gone since then, so when they see me, they always give me that smile that people reserve for someone they've never met before, and introduce themselves anew. It's strange to find out just how hard it is to have to call someone by their proper name, rather than their friendly nickname, because you don't know how they'd react to a supposed stranger demonstrating an insider's awareness of them.
It's even more interesting to see that some of them have reacted to me completely differently than they did the first time around - some more remotely, others with far more warmth.
I blame my haircut. |
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| It's not what you say, it's how you say it |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|05:28 pm] |
Our language is dying.
We didn't notice it at first. The medium changed without impact; volleys of cutely rounded blue biro and slightly uneven black scrawls on the nostalgic lined note-paper gave way to exchanges of Courier New and Times New Roman across the sea of bytes, but the language survived; we weren't ones to take shortcuts, preferring to say something the way it should be said lest the impact of our message be lost in an illegible contraction.
Yet slowly, the influence of the world begins to tear at us. The little nuances that meant the world to us, that gave what we said such a vast undercurrent of hidden, private meaning, the funny words and in-jokes born of countless shared experiences lose their significance, and the words of others, the jargon of those with whom we now share our disjoint lives, intruded on the intimacy of our shared speech. What we say to each other makes perfect sense, yet all too often the hidden meaning that we once shared goes astray; without this, our inane pleasantries are but empty giftboxes - pretty boxes, yes, but devoid of any real content. Every message is longer but says less; every greeting is more cordial but contains less warmth; every sentence just as syntactically correct as ever but more alien, more someone-else.
We moved apart, but our language kept the two of us together, the secret language that exists between any two people in contact who share a connection, whether it be emotional, professional, romantic, platonic, genetic, antagonistic. The language bound us as one though we lived a world apart, but separate experiences, different horizons, new relationships impose new languages upon us, until what we started with is gone entirely. I always thought the Tower of Babel silly, but now it doesn't seem so far-fetched; our own individual journey to the heavens, our own path traced through life, changes our language; though we may speak the same tongue from childhood to death, it does not mean we will always be able to understand.
All over the Earth, wherever two or more human beings make contact, languages are born, are changed, are destroyed. Some last mere minutes, others span the lifetimes of many empires of woman and man, but in the end, the Tower consumes them all.
Our language is dying, the language that just the two of us understood, but I will never regret having learned it, and if I may be granted just one wish, it would be this:
Let me understand enough to hear you say "goodbye." |
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| How Much Can I Say... Without Actually Saying Anything? |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|09:58 am] |
Everything seems faded somehow. The colours are all washed out, the shadows fainter, the lights softer. Laptop and mobile phone screens slowly dimming, the thoughts take more effort and yield less results. Batteries running on empty - organic, electrical, mental and emotional.
It's rare times such as this that the world within is brighter than the world without. So tempting to dance in dreams of what may be and what never was. Such a powerful allure, this siren of hypotheticals and fiction; what temptation, to give in and lose yourself in the illusion of everything you've ever wanted!
Living the life that could have been, the life that could be if not for things that never happened; it's an excuse to hide from the life that is, from what did happen. An excuse to distance oneself from the fact that what happens now could be the life that never was or the life that should have been. Hiding in the past cannot save the future; changing the past destroys the present.
There is only the now, only this moment and the next, and what was, what could have been, what will be and what will never be are simply distractions from what is and what can be done.
Words are nothing.
Speaking them to the one who really matters is everything.
Making good on a promise is all I'll ever need. |
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| A First Time For Everything |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|12:29 am] |
If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and whom you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.
Ordinarily I don't "do" memes, but this one in particular applies to such a large portion of my friends list (both my LiveJournal one and my "real life" one) that I can't help but feel I should... if only to remind myself just how lucky I am.
You're all wonderful!
(p.s. I did, however, edit the sentence so it's more grammatically correct than the previous person who pasted it. Yeah, I'm a grammar nazi... sue me) |
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| My ____ is a ____ of ____ ____ |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|09:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  b o r e d | ] |
room battlefield conflicting pastimes
home minefield conflicting dreams
body reservoir lethargic energy
vision portrait failed artistry
mind miasma slow decay
soul metropolis broken windows
heart symphony serene silence |
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| Prepare yourselves, my friends... |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|05:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Lethargic | ] |
... for the UPDATE OF THE CENTURY!
Oh wait, I'm supposed to be studying for the exam tomorrow morning.
Guess that's out of the question, then... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|02:13 pm] |
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How awesome is the world when you've had a decent amount of sleep for once?! |
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| Sex And The Single Sibling |
[May. 9th, 2006|05:01 pm] |
My little sister constantly bugs me for advice about love/sex/relationships, and every time I tell her that I know far less about that stuff than she does, she just thinks it's because I'm some sort of aloof ultra-playboy whose adventures and experiences are so wild I'm unwilling to share them with someone under 18.
If only...
*sigh* :P |
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| In Australia, First You Get The Sugar... |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|02:23 pm] |
omg went to the hyatt hotel for a buffet and they had a huge dessert bar and i thought wow everyone always has lots of food and then dessert after, lets be original and do something different so i did and i just had a seven course dessert with some savoury in between and there were lots of sweeeeet sugary things and now im riding the biggest baddest sugar high of my life and im afraid to stop typing because if i do i might die so how about that weather, huh getting cold isnt it why just last night i used a blanket for the first time in ages and
brb i think im gonna be sick |
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| Wishful Thinking |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|01:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Bored | ] |
Once upon a time...
I knew the breeze was angels learning to fly.
I knew clouds were fluffy, soft, pillows in the sky;
Knew the rain was the Creator's tears, for our sins;
Knew that the good guy never falters, always wins.
I knew that the sun would never fail,
Nor would the vividity of photographs pale,
And that faith alone could move boulders
The highest place on earth: my father's shoulders...
I knew all things happen for the best,
That there is always time to rest;
That it all turns out all right in the end;
That nothing can tear away a friend.
Now I've learned the science of wind and rain;
That people use God as an excuse to inflict pain;
I've learned that sometimes, even heroes fall -
And that's if you believe heroes exist at all.
I've learned the sun is growing weary,
Seen photos fading, pale and dreary,
Seen faith fail, and believers laid to rest.
I've seen photos of Mount Everest.
I've learned not everything works out okay;
Learned that resting takes away time to play;
I've learned there isn't always a way,
That even friends can go astray.
But some part of me still resists;
In the face of reality, still insists
That somewhere lies that beautiful land
Where angels fly and heroes stand.
Where every problem can be solved;
Where every misdeed can be absolved;
Where friendship will never stall;
Where true love really conquers all.
Take me there... |
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| Bloody hell, it's hot... |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Hot | ] |
If they find me melted into a puddle of human sludge tomorrow morning, AVENGE MY DEATH!
That is all. |
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| What 'family' means to me |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Disappointed | ] |
They asked, inquired, questioned.
"So, you've graduated already, right?"
"Nah, I've got one more semester, and then I graduate."
*awkward silence*
One at a time, one after the other.
"So, are you applying for Honours? I really suggest you do, since most real employers won't even consider you if you don't do Honours... it'd be a waste of a degree."
"Nah, I'm not applying - my grades aren't high enough, and I've failed things."
*awkward silence*
Always the same questions, always the same answers.
"So, what jobs have you got lined up for once you graduate?"
"I'll probably start applying next semester."
"No, I mean, what about the ones that they offer you when you get close to graduating?"
"I haven't had any offers."
*awkward silence*
Trying to figure out why I'm not a genius, ace student like everyone else...
"So, I heard XXXX has first-class honours... Why don't you talk to her? She might have some advice for you."
Sometimes they're not far from the mark.
"If there's anything I learned in the Air Force, it's that discipline is vital in everything - not just training, but studying too."
Other times, they're way off.
"So... do any of your friends take drugs? It's okay to say 'no', you know!"
But always, in the end, the same result.
"Well! You... take care, and enjoy yourself. I'm feeling a bit hungry now!"
Then they each walk off, leaving me to wallow in inferiority, a mere achiever in a family where excellence is par for the course.
Don't ya just love big family functions? |
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| December 25, 2005 |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|04:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Content | ] |
Maybe it's the weather - unseasonally cool, but warm enough for those sleepy summer afternoons or is it the festive cheer; a glut of red, white and green that drives me away from the television schmaltz, the overenthusiastic relatives, the relentlessness of celebration whose meaning has long been lost under the wrapping of presents; or maybe it's just that time has moved on and left behind that little child who woke up early to rush to the Christmas tree...
This year, it just doesn't feel like Christmas.
(christmas was stuffy family dinners with uncles who never knew my name but always knew my semester marks; passing up the chance to party with friends because it's meant to be a time for family and religion and solemn introspection; the rush for presents and the arguments over who gets what and whether they really deserve it)
This year, it's the smiles of friends, drunk on each other's company, and mine; the quiet lunch on the docks; the relaxed afternoon nap at home, the dog snoring outside my room and my parents snoring in theirs; a self-cooked dinner and a good book, the glass of wine that actually tastes nice because I don't really care about finishing it.
This year, it just doesn't feel like Christmas.
But damn, does it ever feel good...
Season's greetings, everyone! :) |
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| The Cutting Edge of Optimism |
[Dec. 12th, 2005|05:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Depressed | ] |
Sometimes I wish I wasn't the child of people who believe with all their heart and soul that "you can do anything if you put your mind to it."
It makes them all the more disappointed when they find out that I can't do something... and it makes them all the more angry with me, because as a logical consequence of that belief, the only cause of failure is laziness. |
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| Roundabout |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|03:02 am] |
All my life has been a struggle to get what I want.
Finally, I think I have everything I ever wanted.
Now I just want to learn what it is I need...
Is that too much to ask, I wonder? |
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| Three down... |
[Nov. 12th, 2005|03:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Apathetic | ] |
...one to go.
Then I can stop stressing about my exams
And start stressing about my results.
Hurrah for the student circle of life! |
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| Today's entry is brought to you by PROCRAST |
[Nov. 12th, 2005|03:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Studious | ] |
I do not strive for perfection.
Those who attain perfection are revered as gods...
And gods fade as new gods are born and old faiths crumble.
Those who remain are the flawed, the weak, the tormented, the human.
Give me weakness,
give me sorrow,
give me despair
that I may be remembered for
struggling against my own flaws
instead of succeeding through the lack thereof.
Anyone can try to be a god...
but it takes a hero to try to be a human. |
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| STUDY FAILURE |
[Nov. 9th, 2005|01:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Depressed | ] |
For me, studying is like
trying to catch all the fish in a lake using a net...
and every year, the fish multiply,
the lake grows larger
and the holes in my net
widen. |
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